A Big Change

After a year long struggle with cervial dysplasia I have decided to take the plunge and have a hysterectomy.   This removal of an internal body part now will have a hand in shaping who I am. 

DH and I had decided before this all happened that we were content with one child and that has been our plan.  My friend Kerri made an excellent point.  There is a difference between not wanting any more children and not being able to have more children. 

Am I going to think about my missing uterus everytime I hold someone else's baby?  Am I going to long for something I will no longer be able to have even though I had already made the decision to forgo any more children?  I don't have these thoughts now.  I rather enjoy holding someone else's baby and then handing the baby back when he/she is upset.  I enjoy being able to sleep at night and take a nap with my son during the day. 

I guess these are all things I will go over in my mind.  The whole thing is such a finality.  An end.  That's it.

Changing it Up

I'm going to be twenty-eight in a few weeks and I don't know who I am.  Of course I'm a wife, mother, daughter, christian woman and claims analyst, but who am I deep down inside.  What makes me me?  What drives my actions everyday?

The big 30 is just around the corner.  So I'm thought that I would refocus my blog so that I can explore these questions that plague me daily.  I'm sure I'm not the only person who asks these questions of themselves.  If you are a reader and ask yourself these questions, rest assured I'm right there in the same boat as you.

So begins my journey to answer these questions.  Are you ready for the ride - could get rocky.

Did I mention snow in my last post?

Well, we got snow, snow and more snow. 

By the way, the storm is far from over.  About an hour after we scooped the driveway was already covered again.  They are forecasting winds tonight and using the term "blizzard."  I believe the last storm that was even comparable to this one was in 1997.  Should be interesting.

It's Complicated

I love the holiday season.  I love Thanksgiving and eating all of the comfort food made by my loved ones.  Leftovers bring those feelings back again and again.  The day after Thanksgiving I put up our Christmas decorations.  I enjoy curling up on the couch with a snuggly blanket with most of the lights off and the Christmas tree on.  Then when it snows, I'm really in the season. 

It snowed today.

This year, I've experienced everything I described above.  If fact as I sit her on the couch writing this post, most of the lights are off and the Christmas tree illuminating the living room.  My advent wreath candles are burning away.  My Christmas season is in full swing, snow and everything.

However, this year I've been experiencing something almost entirely new.  All families have their schwables.  I've just never been in the mix to the point where I've become increasingly uncomfortable.  My eyes have been opened to see that people I look up to, admire, and try and model my behavior after are not what I thought they were. 

It's a bit dishearting to realize that the elders in your family, who should be the more mature members, are not exactly mature in their behavior.  It's unsettling to see that they are manipulating the different family members to have themselves come out on top.  They are giving extra attention, time and money to the "chosen ones."  I don't think I noticed as much until my generation has become old enough (adults, married, children) to be manipulated by money and greed. 

Now quite honestly, I just don't want to be caught up in all of that.  I don't want to be given money, only to be on the hook for whatever is asked of me, whether I agree with what they are asking or not.  My mission is to figure out how to stay on the outskirts of such nonsensical behavior, while being a part of the family get-together.  Very tricky, and really not something I want to be a part of my Christmas season.